Security-native judgement
Access, evidence, risk and real operating constraints are considered before anyone celebrates a dashboard.
Fake AI launch. Actual useful proposition.
All Ian = AI, if AI had context, judgement and a salary.
A Human Programming Interface for organisations with too many systems, too little context, and at least one spreadsheet now treated as infrastructure.
No tokensNo tiersNo bullshitting
The problem
AI procurement soup is not a strategy.
Most organisations do not have an answer problem. They have a judgement problem: too many tools, duplicate workflows, unclear owners, weak evidence and a recurring belief that another dashboard will finally make reality behave.
The solution
A Human Programming Interface for consequences.
All Ian accepts messy human input, detects the real problem under the stated problem, retrieves prior context, and emits useful judgement with owners and next steps attached.
Read the model cardPricing heresy
The cost per useful call falls with use.
Token platforms are rewarded when your confusion gets verbose. All Ian is billed through the ancient mechanism known as a salary, which means useful context gets cheaper the more the model is embedded.
GBP 100k+ recommended annual subscription fit
GBP 1,250/day AI and dev-team damage cleanup starts here
On-demand cleanup
For when the AI plan has already met production.
Pay-as-you-go remediation starts at GBP 1,250/day for AI output, rushed rewrites, abandoned systems and development-team damage that now needs calm triage.
Always On memory
Daily input consolidates during 6-8 hours of biological downtime.
1 Messy input
Requests arrive with partial context, hidden ownership problems and optimistic use of the word quick.
2 Scar-tissue retrieval
Prior incidents, systems, people, constraints and pattern matches are pulled into working memory.
3 Judgement output
The response names the actual problem, likely consequences, owners and next useful moves.
4 Sleep consolidation
During downtime, the runtime links the day into longer-term context and wakes up annoyingly clearer.
Model capabilities
Security, operations, broadcast and creative judgement in one runtime.
Operational translation
Turns messy human input into owners, next steps, blocked dependencies and the thing everyone has avoided naming.
Broadcast-grade clarity
Explains complex systems to normal humans without draining every remaining molecule of patience from the room.
Creative constraint engine
Combines ventures, campaigns, systems thinking and hard limits into useful ideas that can survive contact with Monday.
Plugin ecosystem
Optional modules for recurring organisational nonsense.
Access Control Reality Adapter
Maps who actually has access, who should have access, and which shared login is pretending to be a policy.
Procurement Theatre Detector
Flags duplicate tooling, fake transformation promises and suppliers hoping nobody reads the renewal terms.
Charity Constraint Optimiser
Finds proportionate fixes for teams with real missions, tired humans and budgets that have seen things.
AI Cleanup Kit
Separates useful automation from plausible wreckage after a model, team or board deck got overconfident.
Broadcast Explainer Module
Converts technical knots into language that leaders, users and funders can understand without sedatives.
Spreadsheet Infrastructure Scanner
Identifies the workbook holding the organisation together and quietly asks why it has no owner.
Known bugs
Documented behaviours before someone files a ticket.
Refuses fake urgency
May decline to panic when the real issue is five years of unmanaged process debt.
Vendor waffle sensitivity
Marketing fog can trigger blunt translation into risk, cost and ownership notes.
Domestic runtime interrupts
OU#1 and OU#2 may introduce unscheduled context switching, snack tickets or bedtime escalations.
Annual leave realism
The biological runtime occasionally requires downtime, sunlight and not being in Teams.
Charity Mode
Funny, sincere and judgement-based.
Supported charities, clubs, CICs and community organisations may receive limited free HPI capacity plus heavy discounts where the mission is honest and the constraints are real.
Check the logicLaunch posters
The advert pack, minus the beige.
Whitepaper
The joke works because the value proposition does.
Read the concise paper on salary pricing, HPI use cases, biological constraints and why token economics are a weird way to buy judgement.
Download the whitepaperDeployment note
Satire is not a UX waiver.
This site is allowed to be sharp, dark and funny. It is not allowed to be inaccessible, confusing or dependent on a terminal easter egg for navigation.